The Luxury Of Nothing

Here's a few words about how losing everything isn't necessarily the end.

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Hi! I’m Peks, and this blog is my compass wrapped up in the truth. A few months ago, I lost my wife, my home, and then my job, too. Now I’m on a journey to find them all again. For years, I let fear be what motivates me. I let myself shrink in the face of it, I let myself become someone who avoids the truth because of it. I made mistakes with money and trust, repeatedly. And these mistakes cost me everything. This isn’t a sob story. This is a turning point. A decision. A promise. This blog is for today and for tomorrow. This blog is for me. And if you’ve ever been in a similar situation. If you’ve ever felt like the ground beneath your feet is wobbly, or gone altogether. If you’ve ever lost the love of your life because of the mistakes you’ve made. If you’d do anything in order to become the person who’d never lose them again. Then this blog is for you, too. Just like me, you owe it to yourself. And to the people who love you and still hope for you. So, welcome and thank you for being here. – Peks If you ever want to reach out for any reason – feel free to do so at 3minfin@gmail.com. I will always do my best to answer everyone.

  • The Inconspicuous Magic Of Google Sheets

    What exactly do you do when you’ve lost the love of your life, lost your source of income, and are in debilitating debt, serious to the point that your bank account is empty and you still have to find $2000 by the end of the week? YOU GOOGLE SHEETS’ THAT MOFO!

    And that MOFO was Google Sheeted indeed.

    See, it’s not about magic or a miracle as much as it’s about taking control. And right now, after barely finding the will to get up each morning, taking control of anything at all is an oasis in my desert of solitude.

    So, no – filling rows and columns with numbers significant to our story and my mistakes did not help me find the extra bucks needed to get by. And, if I have to be brutally honest with myself, you and the reality – it didn’t even help me feel better. But it gave me a sense of control. It helped me get a better grasp of the chaos and a clearer view of the big picture. And if today the big picture scares me shitless – maybe, just maybe, tomorrow it will help me stay on the only path forward. I am where I am because of the never-ending financial strain I caused my wife and myself.

    Fear will have to take the backseat.

    I’m Still Angry At You For Leaving Me

    ‘And, I know that you’re still angry at me for making you leave me. But, I bet you’d be proud of me if you saw me doing all the things I’ve been doing.’

    So I’m going to continue doing just that. I drafted a budgeting sheet today that will help me get on top of my finances, just as she helped me all these years. The numbers don’t matter as much right now, there’s nothing I can do about the numbers – the price will be stress and hunger for a few nights. And that’s okay. What isn’t okay is that she asked me this morning whether I have enough food and I lied. Can I spreadsheet the lies away forever? I’ll try.

    It took me a few hours. Admittedly, more than I expected. And, the result is definitely nothing to write home about, but I know that having even this one, small piece of structure will help me. One foot ahead of the other will get me where I need to be.

    If you’re reading these ramblings of a sadman, and you find that you can relate, I have put the sorry result of my efforts on Gumroad – it’s a budget sheet for the remainder of 2025, and you can have it – I hope it someday helps someone like it’ll help me.

    Weirdly enough, I’m starting to feel better, even if just about the possibility. The possibility of a basic spreadsheet helping a stranger, the possibility that some structure in my life will save me, albeit slowly, and the possibility of a future it entails.

    “Avada Kedavra,” I whispered while squinting at the table of my debt.

    While working on it today, I was reminded about how being lonely and feeling lonely are not always the same. And while it’s often okay to be lonely, no one should feel that way. So, if for some reason you’re feeling lonely – I’m here. Talk to me. Write me an email, or even just a comment. Don’t feel lonely and don’t be a stranger!

    Until next time,
    – Peks

  • One foot ahead of the other

    It’s been exactly three months.
    Three months of loss.
    Three months of realization.
    And three months of sitting in the remains of the life we had, the love we built, and the future we lost.

    I used to think I was functional, even through all of my mistakes – a six-figure income, a home filled with peace and happiness, and her – loving me so much it felt like the air I breathe.
    Losing her made everything else unravel in no time at all.

    See, before losing my job, the level of hope was really up there. I knew that no matter what’s been said or even done, there is a solution. All that’s crumbled can be rebuilt. But, once unemployed, that hope crumbled, too.

    Since then, I’ve felt like being swallowed by quicksand while the world just moves past. Hey, I know some people bounce back faster. Some people get a gym membership, update their CV, and carry on like nothing happened. And I did all of that, too. In a span of mere weeks, I think I finally tried more than I have for the past 15 years. But, somehow, what was truly lost wasn’t just an income or a place to lay down my head at night. No, what was truly lost was the innocence of loving each other unconditionally, the innocence of having each other’s backs, no matter what. How do you rebuild that?

    Forgive me if I didn’t know how right away.

    I just wanted to go home.
    I wanted to un-lose everything.
    And I didn’t know how.

    The plan

    I’m going to figure this out. I’m going to be the person she can trust again. We’re going to be best friends once more. I’m going to find a job and I’m going to pay all of my debt, too. That way, once she takes me back – we can finally live the life we’re supposed to.
    The caveat with this, however, is myself. Because even just a month ago, I would’ve rushed in at the slightest chance. Without working on myself, without working on the things that ate at our love, at her health and happiness. I can never endanger her like this again. No, that cannot be the plan.

    But what can I do, really? I’ve worked my whole life in an incredibly specific field, and there are no work opportunities for me anywhere, without moving across half the globe. And I’m not going anywhere without her, no way. So, I tried everything – hauled produce at the local supermarket, wrote small pieces on demand, tried doing online surveys, and played mobile games to earn a couple of bucks. Just to stay above the water for however long I could. And I applied to almost every job I could find within a 50-mile radius of me.

    The result? Over the past 2 weeks, I’ve earned 6 bucks total from online surveys and games, 50-some buckaroos from hauling produce, and 80 from writing on demand (and it’s such a low, low demand). And I’ve got about 100 no-replies, 12 interviews, and 2 job offers. I consider myself lucky. Because one of those offers, even though just a fraction of what I had before, is much better than I could’ve hoped for now. So, while at the moment I’m suspended 3 feet below the waves, I will figure this thing out.

    For now, however, the plan will have to be extreme budgeting. She used to do this for both of us. She did so, so much. It’s time to grow up, Pek.

    And so, I’m growing up. Somehow, I’ll have to figure out how to reconcile a 2500$ net income with a 3500$ expense sheet. Google Sheets, are you magic? Guess we’ll find out by tomorrow. One foot ahead of the other.

    Until next time,
    – Peks

  • All in

    My wife didn’t fall head over heels in love with me when we first met. In fact, after briefly dating me many years ago, she confessed that she just wasn’t feeling what she had hoped to and that maybe it would be better if we didn’t waste each other’s time. So, naturally, wishing the best for her, I agreed.

    But that wasn’t the end of our story.

    As months went on, the winter thaw set in, and we found our way back to each other. The full story deserves a book, but in short – it turns out that time and circumstances have just the right amount of magic to create a spark. Just a couple of months after we already shared a home, a happy family of three – her, me, and our silly, lovely dog.

    She is a singular woman, my wife. A loyal, beautiful, fierce, loving, and, most importantly, hilarious woman. And over the last six years, she stopped at nothing to make me feel like a singular man, too. She cared for me and our home, and she let our relationship bloom into something irreplaceable, something truly special. She worked on herself, did the things she dreamed of doing, didn’t back down from challenges, and at the same time, she always found time for us. For our special little moments of peace and quiet. She loved me like you only love once – if ever. She was all in on life. All in on us. All in on me.

    And me? I was all in on gambling our hopes and dreams away.

    The boy with an itch

    About 15 years ago, when I just started out on my career in aviation, for some reason, I found comfort and release in sportsbooks. As it goes, in little time, this comfort and release became an unscratchable itch. With every week, every month, every year, I became more and more obsessed. In my obsession, I failed to realize that what I had was an illness. An illness that had already consumed me. Consumed my present and, unless treated, would consume my future, too.

    Luckily, back then, I still had some people who cared deeply. So, they begged, they reasoned, they threatened. Unluckily for me, in my pride, shame, and fear, I never disclosed the true extent of my illness. I tried, but personal stupidity is an obstacle I’ve yet to master.

    And then I met her. How could I tell her? How? It took her months to feel about me the same way I felt about her in mere minutes. Pride, shame, fear, and love.

    Oh, but she found out. She found out everything. And she still stayed. Even after all the dishonesty, the hopelessness, the crushed dreams – she stayed. She stayed to help, she stayed because of love, and she stayed because even after all, she still believed in who I can be.

    Eventually, however, even the most flexible boundaries fail. She stayed until she could no more. Not because of a lack of love, or even hope. No – because of exhaustion. And once you’ve exhausted a great woman, even she will just fold over and give up. Maybe – forever.

    So, those are my sins. I broke her trust with my actions and my words, more than once. And no amount of love can remedy that if it keeps happening over and over again.

    Why would I do such a thing, you ask? Surely, you loved her enough that you would stop destroying the life you had and the future you both were heading toward, right?

    Yes. I loved her enough. And I still do. And I always will.

    But, sometimes it isn’t about how much you love your partner. It’s about how little you love yourself. Sometimes, you can try and justify your words and actions with the love you have for another. Yet, had I loved myself enough, I would’ve never caused her the pain and grief I have.


    I guess you only realize what you had once it’s gone, right? This realization, however, has stopped me from folding over, giving up, and letting go. This realization has given me a deeper understanding of what’s truly important and will forever remain the building block of the life I shall lead. I shall be all in, once again, only this time..

    Time and circumstances, right?

    Until next time,
    – Peks

  • Daily writing prompt
    If you could bring back one dinosaur, which one would it be?
    View all responses

    I’d definitely bring back the loveosaurus, or at least the diplicareosaurus, because we need more of that in this world. And brontosaurus, specifically for the meat.

  • I lost everything

    Sometimes life has a spectacular way of telling us we fucked up and it’s time to reset. And, you know what, life? I hear ya.

    For better or worse (and I strongly believe in the former), this blog shall be that restart for me. For personal reasons, I’ve decided to commit to building the best version of me – a man who’s honest, present, and deserving. This space will be the mirror of my process – a cache of my victories, setbacks, the thoughts that keep me awake at night, and the hopes that push me forward.

    You will not find perfection here.
    But you might just find the man I was always supposed to become.

    What to expect
    • I’ll tell the story of how I got here, in the hopes that it helps some of you avoid the mistakes I made
    • I’ll go over habits and tools that will improve my and your financial discipline and carry us closer to financial wellbeing
    • I’ll document my progress in hopes of keeping myself in check and inspiring someone, anyone
    Why I’m doing this

    Because I made mistakes.
    Because I hurt and lost the love of my life.
    Because silence, shame, and pretending that this didn’t happen don’t solve anything – but effort, humility, and time can change everything.

    These words are not for pity nor praise. They are for the truth, for learning, and maybe one day – hope for someone else following a similar path.

    So, let’s begin

    I’m not sure where I’ll end up, but I’m certain of where I’m going. And if you’re reading this – thank you! And if, for some miracle, you’ll check back in later – I hope you’ll witness that perseverance, honesty, and love sometimes is all you need to mend what’s broken.

    Until next time,
    Peks